Looking up!

Things are finally starting to look up for me. I don't know why, I think maybe my brain knows what's good for me know. haha. It's raining pretty hard. I just went to the store, theres a girl there who has to walk home! I feel so bad. I think my good deed for today may just be driving someone home simply because I am lucky enough to have a car and I know it sucks wlaking home in pouring rain. I don't really have much else to say right now because I'm about to leave.
I just wanted to say that I am happy. Truly and finally!

Depressed Day

I am so sad today. I hate my life. Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would. I still have no job. And I don't go to school. I don't even know if I want to be with my husband. He just turns me through so many loops, makes me go through so much. I mean first he says he wants time apart and the next week (literally) he wants a baby. Now he wants me to quit smoking and took all the cigarettes yet he will still smoke. Its not fair!!! I hate being here all day. I hate my life. I want to leave it all behind and start a new one. Maybe everyone was right and I shouldn't have got married.

Hmm

I need to quit smoking. I don't really want to but I feel like I need to. I smoke too much. I think it's affecting my neck/ throat. I have had a swollen gland in my neck for over a month now. Maybe I should be worried? I don't know but that is why I need to quit. To be honest, I am kind of dreading it. I feel bad about it, but when I don't have a cigarette, I get very irritable and grumpy. I don't mean to, it just kind of happens. But anyway..
So I want a baby. But I'm still worried. I just don't know. Hmm.

New Beginnings and Babies

So girls weekend was a blast. I ended up staying friday and saturday night. While I was gone, my hubby realized that he DID want to make it work. Amazing day sunday with him filled with of course great sex and also many laughs. It was wonderful. But then he told me that he wanted to have a baby. I LOVE children and have always wanted them, but I was confused by his tactics LOL. I mean, a week ago he was saying that he wasn't sure if he still wanted me, and now he wants a baby! So I asked him about it. He said that he just wanted me to realize some things and get our relationship right before we had a baby. He said he was desperate. Okay.. but it is still confusing!
Anyway. So I really want a baby, But I'm concerned. Do we have enough money? Will I be able to get a suitable part-time job? Can we get a bigger place in time? What about the car?
I feel like we have a laundry list of things to take care of before we can even think about having a child. This is only because I want my baby to grow up in the best environment we can give it, and also I'm scared that if we had the child first, it would be a lot harder to get those things that we need first.
I feel like it's the responsible thing. But who knows..

I. Need. A. Cigarette.

Soooooo I haven't had a cigarette in like 2 full days which doesn't seem like long to a non-smoker, but for me that is a while. I am about to go crazy! I just want John to come home with a pack sooon. Speaking of him ... he's having a bunch of friends over tonight. I don't know who the fuck any of them are orhow many there are. He like, gets mad when I ask about it AND he practically MADE me have a girls night tonight just so he could do it. Fuck him. I'm going to get drunk tonight with my girls!

But still it's in the back of my mind that he's going to cheat. And I know if he did, he could fucking get away with it because he'd lie to me... Whatev.

It Still Hurts! :(

I just want all the pain to go away! Please. It just hurts so bad. It's all I can think about. We went to bed very angry last night, I know we both were. We were fighting about his cell phone. Because he's about to get a new cell phone with only texting and I'm the ONLY one who can't text. But he won't buy voice minutes so he still wont be able to call me. What the fuck?! Ahh couldn't he care enough to want to call me at least once a day? I'm starting to despise him. He just makes me so mad for no reason. He can't just listen to me, it's always gotta be a fight with him. He says he wants things to change and yet he is purposely pushing himself away. I think he's about to cross a bridge he doesn't want to.
I hope that if anything does happen, he'll miss me like hell. And then I want him to beg for me back. Then I MIGHT say yes but I MIGHT say no too. Because he is hurting me so bad right now, it is ridiculous.
Aren't husbands NOT supposed to give up?

What I Want to do With My Life

I'm going to take some time (after my best friend's advice) to make a list of things I want to do with my life. That way, I can take a good look and ask myself if I could really do these things staying with my husband. Here it goes:
Go to cosmetology school.
Get a job while at school.
After school become a haridresser.
Open up my own salon.
Live somewhere other than TN.. hopefully by the beach.
Have kids.
I want to go on at least 1 cruise.
I want to travel.
Own a house with land.
I want my life to mean something to many people.
I want to be successful.
True Happiness.

Things I DON'T want:
To be stuck in a rut for years.
To be disappointed everyday.
To feel sadness all the time.
Just a pass-by life.
To be only par (average).
To be hated.
To be anxious anymore.
To be pushed down.
To never do anything with my life.
To work at walmart or mcdonald's as a permanate job.