I. Need. A. Cigarette.

Soooooo I haven't had a cigarette in like 2 full days which doesn't seem like long to a non-smoker, but for me that is a while. I am about to go crazy! I just want John to come home with a pack sooon. Speaking of him ... he's having a bunch of friends over tonight. I don't know who the fuck any of them are orhow many there are. He like, gets mad when I ask about it AND he practically MADE me have a girls night tonight just so he could do it. Fuck him. I'm going to get drunk tonight with my girls!

But still it's in the back of my mind that he's going to cheat. And I know if he did, he could fucking get away with it because he'd lie to me... Whatev.

It Still Hurts! :(

I just want all the pain to go away! Please. It just hurts so bad. It's all I can think about. We went to bed very angry last night, I know we both were. We were fighting about his cell phone. Because he's about to get a new cell phone with only texting and I'm the ONLY one who can't text. But he won't buy voice minutes so he still wont be able to call me. What the fuck?! Ahh couldn't he care enough to want to call me at least once a day? I'm starting to despise him. He just makes me so mad for no reason. He can't just listen to me, it's always gotta be a fight with him. He says he wants things to change and yet he is purposely pushing himself away. I think he's about to cross a bridge he doesn't want to.
I hope that if anything does happen, he'll miss me like hell. And then I want him to beg for me back. Then I MIGHT say yes but I MIGHT say no too. Because he is hurting me so bad right now, it is ridiculous.
Aren't husbands NOT supposed to give up?

What I Want to do With My Life

I'm going to take some time (after my best friend's advice) to make a list of things I want to do with my life. That way, I can take a good look and ask myself if I could really do these things staying with my husband. Here it goes:
Go to cosmetology school.
Get a job while at school.
After school become a haridresser.
Open up my own salon.
Live somewhere other than TN.. hopefully by the beach.
Have kids.
I want to go on at least 1 cruise.
I want to travel.
Own a house with land.
I want my life to mean something to many people.
I want to be successful.
True Happiness.

Things I DON'T want:
To be stuck in a rut for years.
To be disappointed everyday.
To feel sadness all the time.
Just a pass-by life.
To be only par (average).
To be hated.
To be anxious anymore.
To be pushed down.
To never do anything with my life.
To work at walmart or mcdonald's as a permanate job.

What I Want in a Relationship

I'm thinking that a good way to get the kind of relationship I want with my husband, I have to first KNOW what I want. I've never taken the time to think and sort out my thoughts on what makes a perfect partner in my eyes. So, here it goes!
My perfect man will be smart. Someone I can ask questions to without him being annoyed. Someone I can share my feelings with and talk to openly. Someone who can talk to me and who wants to share everything with me. He needs to be very loving and gentle but still rugged and tough. I want him to take the initiative to go out of his way sometimes to do sweet things for me, because I know I will do it for him. I want someone who understands me and how I am. Who doesn't want me to look like every hot woman that walks by. I want him to think I'm beautiful no matter what. He needs to be intimate and sweet, but knows how to take charge. I want someone who's funny and he thinks im funny too. Above all, he needs to be my best friend and I his.

Does this sound unrealistic? lol

Lazy Day

So today I am still in bed. My plan was to sleep all day that way I wouldn't have to think about anything going on. It's such a difficult position to be in, to be the one that wants to stay while the other isn't so sure. There are so many thoughts that cross my mind because of it. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? What do I do?
So many thooughts that cannot be answered yet. We had another talk yesterday. After the talk he was actually laughing and trying to make me laugh, it felt so good. I think he only did that because he feels bad though. Because the rest of the night, he was on the computer barely talking to me. I hate it because I try to talk to him. But now it's like I have to think about everything I'm going to say first because all of a sudden I'm scared to sound stupid in front of him. He wants me to act normal but he doesn't understand that it's so hard for me to act normal when he is not! When I make a comment that has anything to do with us being together for a long time, he rolls his eyes like I shouldn't have said anything. But I use to say stuff like that all the time.
He's pushing me away. Part of me thinks it's on purpose. The other part of me thinks that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. But either way, I don't think he cares one bit.
And also, I feel kind of bad about it but I am starting to get mad now. Like how can he be so unsure after only 9 months of marriage? How can he let this go so easily? How can he throw everything away just like that?
I think I am only angry because that is my defense. Who knows, I'm still trying to sort through this mess.

Ups and Downs

I just started to pack up some things. It feels strangly invigorating and free-ing. I've got 2 suitcases packed just in case, but I'm on a roll! I feel like I could pack everything today. It feels good. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me! But I don't need to waste my time feeling sorry for myself. I need to do shit that makes me feel good and right now, it's packing my things. He may not remember why he loves me. He might not want me. But I sure as hell hope that he misses me. Selfish? Maybe. But you know what, i at least deserve to be sometimes. And I never am. It's always for him. I never put myself first so maybe it is time that I do. I'm starting to realize that I CAN live without him if that is how things have to be. I'm a strong woman when I need to be. With nobody to talk to about this, I thought it would drive me crazy with all these thoughts of leaving, but now I am at least okay. And right now, that's all I can be.

How It's Been-- Awkward

So yesterday he couldn't find his cell phone- it is lost now. But anyway he didn't have it at work so he couldn't call me at lunch yet again. And he came home just a little bit late for no reason. Then he preceded to spend all night on the damn computer. I was like, "We should do something fun together." And we decided to play Gears of War- a game we used to play all the time together. After about 2 hours I was like "You wanna play Gears now?" and that's when he was like, "I had a hard day at work, I don't really feel like playing". That made my heart sink.
I wore a shirt for him that barely covers my boobs and it's really sexy and yet he barely looked or kissed me. Then I changed into some lingere for night time and yet again he didn't do anything. He wouldn't kiss me. He wouldn't spend any time with me. Every conversation I tried to start he quickly ended. I'm like, what the hell do you want me to do? I cleaned the house, did dishes, cooked an amazing dinner, and yet that still isn't enough for you to notice me. He is making me crumble. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying but he won't even let me in. I'm trying to act as normal as I can but when he shuts me out, I can't help but to be upset.
So then it was bed time. I decided to sleep on the counch because all night I was getting the vibe that he didn't want to be around me. I chose not to sleep with him because it hurts too much. I think he had the nerve to be upset when I didn't sleep with him but he was the one who was pretty much ignoring me the WHOLE night. Give me a break. You can't tell someone that you don't know if you still want them, then procede to ignore them, and still expect the person to be perfectly fine. That is not how it works. Besides I get the vibe that you have already made up your mind about me so just say it. It is torture to be with the man I love so dearly and have him treat me like he wishes I weren't there. It sucks!!!!!

I'll give it to him though, this hurts me so bad. I don't know how much more I can take. He's breaking my heart and I'm letting him. :(

He Isn't Sure He Wants Me

I have only been married 9 months. I wouldn't be married at all yet if he didn't push the date. I wanted to live with each other for a year first, but he insisted on getting married right away so I did. I love him so why not? Now he told me he is thinking about leaving. We had a long talk and I tried to understand where he was coming from. I do to a certain extent. We are young and have our whole lives ahead of us. I always believed that you should do what makes you happy, as we only get one life. If him being on his own makes him happy, then he should do what he feels in his heart is best for him. Even if it sucks for me. I don't want him to go. I love him and I wish he could say that he was positive he was still in love with me, but he can't. But I am just so confused. I didn't know he felt this way until yesterday. I thought things were generally fine. That makes it hurt so much more. What did I do wrong? Why aren't I good enough anymore? I used to be his world. I want that back. I know he cares deeply for me. We told each other that if anything was to happen, we'd still be best friends. But I don't want that because I don't want it to come to that. He won't really kiss me anymore. He used to intimate kisses and now he just cuts it off and smiles awkwardly when I kiss him. He wasn't having these doubts until he started his new job. Right now he's in training which is pretty much like school for 5 weeks. I think he's seeing how much people like his personality, and now it's changing him. He wants to be crazy and have everyone like him. I think even other women. I'm just so scared he's going to break my heart. I wouldn't know what to do. I have almost no friends here. Ahh I'm just so torn. I don't even know what to say. That's why this whole post has been kind of a jumble. I guess I'll just see how he acts today after work.
Yeah we're giving our relationship one month to see how it goes. One month... :(